The day started off with an unsettled Lilah, which required me to carry her around all morning, which was fine I get that some days babies just need more cuddles, but seeing her so distressed got me worried & reflecting back to those early days when she would cry for 3 hrs straight. (Thank goodness we have moved past that), But this also meant Amelia (my 3yo) didn't get as much of her Mamma time. My biggest struggle is trying to spread myself between the girls & feeling like they both are not getting what they need from me.
After the girls lunch nap I thought things would be better as they were more rested. Hmm not quite, Lilah was some what ok for an hour or so, but then reverted quickly back to needing Mamma. In the mean time Amelia thought hitting & kicking Lilah would be a great way to get Mamma's attention. I got so saddened by this once again thinking I had failed as a Mamma. Failed to teach Amelia right from wrong, failed to give Amelia enough attention so she didn't need to "kick/ hit" her sister, failed as I knew I had gotten so caught up in our busy life that I had totally forgotten to nurture Amelia's creativity- I realised we hadn't done arts/ crafts/ painting in so long, we have hardly even gotten our colouring in books out! And these are things that Amelia really craves & its our bonding moments too. Dont get me wrong I haven't neglected her, we have done other forms of learning play, but our art time together is something that "fills her cup".
So I decided that this will be a priority & I will schedule in time for arts every week, just as I schedule in work clients!
A rough day but lesson learnt! Tomorrow is a new day!
I am so glad I can now say that with confidence- Tomorrow is a new day!
That feeling of being a failure was a daily feeling for such a long time after the birth of Lilah, not post natal depression- i dont think, but just the feeling of constantly feeling like I wasn't doing anything right, feeling like life was all too much, feeling like I was constantly an emotional time bomb, feeling like I had to split myself/ my energy/ my time between the two girls, waiting for that moment of relief... But lately, those feelings of failure have dissipated, I have been feeling like my old self again, feeling more in control of family life and feeling my zest for life again! Yes Im sure better sleep has much to do with this, but I think the biggest contributor to this is having the girls routine finally well structured and synced! And I must say I have the Tresillian team to thank for this! Both the residential unit & the Mums help line! Some babies dont need to much structure and others need a lot, Lilah is definitely one of those babes that needs structure & predictability. And as a Mum of two now, I NEED structure and predictability too, it definitely helps me feel more in control and be able to better plan our lives. And yes I know a lot of parents say just "go with the flow", "let the baby fir in with your life"- but let me tell you, this does NOT work for all babies, and definitely not my little Lilah!
Anyway I hope this blog post helps other Mamma's see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, when all seems so hard, and when you get to the end of the tunnel you may still have dark days, but they are just dark moments/ days NOT endless dark days....
Much love Ange xoxoxo