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I am constantly thinking: why am I so stressed & anxious about motherhood? Why do I get myself so worked up & emotional about motherhood? I should be coping better, I should be a better Mamma, why are other Mammas coping so much better? Why did I cope so well with one child & feel like Im failing now I have two children?
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This is the answer I have come up with:
When I had one child, I had all the same "anxieties" but I was able to "bandaid" these anxieties & keep them at bay, it didn't mean that I didn't have anxiety it just means I never let the anxieties surface. For example: anxiety about what my daughter ate, how I parented her consciously & holistically, I was able to keep up with these by tending to them straight away, which meant I never felt I was failing, because I was "keeping" on top of them. Does that make sense? But now I cant always "keep on top of them" as I have 2 children who now need my attention, which means that I have to let things "slide" occasionally, ie not being able to tend to my toddler straight away or do loads of the fun things we use to do, or allow her to watch more TV than I like, & so my anxiety skyrockets, because I feel like I am not giving her what she needs & same goes for my baby, sometimes my toddler needs me & I have to let my baby cry/wait or the guilt that my baby never gets the "calm one on one connecting time" with me that my first born had. I feel like I am constantly letting one of them down!
Most mothers I guess would see this is as ok & normal, but for me I feel like I am never giving either of them my 100% attention because I am constantly torn between the 2, So I feel like I am failing both of them!
I constantly worry that I have a short fuse & that this is not good for either of them, I want to break the cycle of stuff that we endured as kids & be better, more conscious parents!
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I guess aiming to be conscious & calm is the key!
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I need to give myself some credit for trying my best, yes Im sure other Mamma's may appear to have it more together and cope better, but is this real or is it just keeping up appearances? or maybe these other Mamma's may not be in the same life situation as me... I am always thinking about and concerned about Lilah with her TS (Turners Syndrome) even though I try to keep positive about it and I try to make sure that I do what I can to help her with this so that she has the best possible out come & I am constantly researching how to best help her with this now and in the future, I am constantly trying to keep on top of the extra medical appointments and check ups for Lilah (and Amelia's), I am running two business's which both require lots of constant attention and I am very passionate about both and strive to give 100% to both these, I refuse to let our families nutrition slide so home cooked meals 99% of the time is a priority (because I know the importance of this in keeping us all healthy), I try to ensure our lives are minimally impacted by chemicals and toxins so I research and look into everything we eat and use in out home and of course I am always aiming to be "conscious parent" which means breaking inbuilt habits and constantly checking in with how I am parenting and this type of parenting is not the "norm" in our society and is not how we were raised so there's not a lot of "role models" in this area, which means I am constantly making mistakes and double guessing myself! NOW These things dont make me a perfect better mother thank the next but it does take more time and conscious effort to be like this and this is a choice I make, and I guess yes it sometimes contributes to a bit of anxiety, but the benefits definitely outweigh the negatives, it also just means that I need to look at better coping strategies and stress management techniques to allow me to keep up with how I want to raise our family. And I know too that time is also the answer, as time goes on things will become easier!
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We are all doing our best at Motherhood and we need to give ourselves a break and realise that "it is that you worry about being a good mother, means that you ARE a good mother!"
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(***NOTE TO SELF!***)
