As most of you know, who are following & reading my blog, my beautiful Lilah was born with a chromosomal condition, Monosomy X (Turners Syndrome). This was (& still is) a very difficult thing for me to process & as a result I couldn't open up about this to many people, including most my family.
And in actual fact my social media followers knew before some very close relatives even knew! Social media has been a blessing for me and has helped me open up about my feelings around this diagnosis and motherhood.
But as I was telling the world about my experiences, on social media, I decided to open up to a family member, because I didn't want her finding out through someone else. And because I thought about the reasons WHY I hadn't opened up to her yet, these included; feeling like I would be judged because I was feeling guilty, blaming & judging myself (because I believed that I had done something to cause Lilah's condition- & if Im really honest I still somewhat believe this), & another reason holding me back was I didn't want my baby girl to be "the topic of the month" with her & her friends.
So I thought to myself, this is silly, firstly I shouldn't care what others think (a big problem of mine) & secondly I shouldn't be feeling guilty (another big problem of mine).
So I opened up... & despite my best attempts not to cry whilst doing this, I was bawling my eyes out...
Now, I don't know what reaction I expected from her, but a blank face & a "non-responsive" reaction was not what I had anticipated... So I kinda stumbled around trying to explain Lilah's condition to her, whilst being prompted by my husband, & then eventually said, "its ok she'll be ok... " & that was the end of the conversation.
So I didn't feel the "relief' like I thought I would after opening up, I felt no different actually. But thinking about this situation got me soul searching, "why is it so damn important to me, what others think or how others react to me?" I wish I could be one of those people who just don't give a f**k & live there lives!
Reflecting on this, this is what I came up with:
It's not the the fault of person involved in this situation, she obviously has learned to shield and guard her emotions due to some reason that I am not aware of. And this has nothing to do with me, so I shouldn't feel like her reaction (or lack of reaction) is any reflection of me and my situation.
This lady DOES care and love me and my girls, she just shows it differently and since this conversation, has proved this also.
I spend too much time and waste too much energy on trying to gain approval of others, when in actual fact its the approval from myself that I need to gain. I need to love myself unconditionally, I need to give myself the much wanted approval that I seek, I need to acknowledge that I am doing my best, I need to know that I am being the best Mamma, wife, friend, Naturopath, heart centred business owner that I know how to be!
Then and only then will I not care about what others think of me and not care about how others react to me.
Easier said than done, I know the theory but Im not very good at the practical application of this.
So this post is my reality check in, to put it out there so I will always have this to read back on to remind myself that "I A ENOUGH"and I don't need the approval of others if my heart is in the right place!
My next step in working on this will to be to check in on myself each time Im struggling with anxiety, to check in to see if the anxiety that I feel about the situation is due to "what others may think" or "how others will view me", and if I am getting anxiety for these reasons I will catch myself out and call it out, whether it be with the person involved, with my husband, sister or trusted friend- to help me realise that "I AM ENOUGH "& that he only approval I need is that of myself!